Ruowen Huang

illustrated by Josephine Wall

These days, I seems to have  this debat with my husband quite often,

I often said:  You really do not know how to appreciate me.  I can do way more than regular housewife, but you seem to take it for granted.

He: If you are not like this, I wouldn’t have married you, either.

Well, as you can see…

His feedback often make me roll my eyes.

The person who would said this, obviously do not know how to appreciate what he already has.

最近, 一直與老公聊到這樣的事.

我常說, 你真的不懂得珍惜我耶. 我可以做的事, 遠勝於一般的家庭主婦,但你都當作理所當然一樣.

然後老公就會說:要你不是這樣的人,那我怎麼會娶你呢?

害我每次聽到都白眼;因為,會說出這種話的人,顯然不懂得珍惜自己所擁有的.

This morning, we have debated regards the same issue.

It starts with I said: You seems to go clubbing way more than other married man.

Somehow, my husband decided I must have tried to “imply” something, so he start to be quite defensive and complaining “why” do I have to compare him to others?  We are not the same couple?  (Well, it also relate to him planning to go clubbing with some friends who he has seen for long time tonight.)

I was quite confused and said: you don’t think so?  I am not talking about this to have a fight with you nor stopped you from going.  But I just think you need to acknowledge that and appreciate me.

But obviously, he didn’t think so.

So, you may all see how this conversation was going after that…

今天,兩個又為了同樣的事起了點爭執.

起點在於我說:你出去狂歡的次數,遠比一般婚後的男人來得多.

當場,老公就覺得我在”暗示”什麼,急著辯解其他人跟我們不一樣,為什麼老要拿他跟別人比? (外加上今天晚上, 他有個朋友遠從中國回來幾天,幾個單身的男人邀約他一起出去狂歡. )

我當場有點傻眼地說:你不用爭辯,我又不是不讓你去,只是覺得我這種個性的老婆該被獎賞與尊重.

想當然爾,老公一點也不認同, 所以兩個人又陷入一陣爭執之中.

During the process, I have given him some examples in our life. 

But somehow, he felt I was upset about that, too.

Honestly, I am not type of person who is interested in fighting for old events, but I always felt that using the actual life example will help others understand where the point is. (Obviously, my husband did not think this way.)

He felt that I am using those example to fight against him, so most of time, he was not able to listen what I was saying. 

And that, eventually got me quite upset, too.

So, I finally said: You, are DEFINITELY my task of life.

He was quite upset, too : …as you are mine, too!

I: I never said that I am NOT your task.  What I was saying is that… I have spent most of my life trying to be as straight as I can be.  Trust me… the process was not easy at all!  I had tons of people fight against it, isolating me.  Not that I ever felt sorry for doing so.  In fact, I quite like the way I am right now.  I no longer have to deny who I am , and what I think.  But somehow, I have to marry to someone who seems to believe women always not saying what they really want, and always implying others.  And I HATE people putting words in my mouth!  Don’t you find it sarcastic?

That’s why I said it must be the task for both of us?  Don’t you see that we always fight because of this? 

So, Finally…

He was calmed a bit and willing to listened to what I have to say: So…What was your point on the whole conversation?

I:It’s very simple.  All I am saying is that…we should not take things for granted, because we will not acknowledge it and appreciate what we already have.

Like I always said to you that” you have a great wife who make hot and health food for you every night. “  and you always replied” Yes, I do.”

So, how come when I said “ You go clubbing way often then the other married men.” today, you spent all those time fighting with me about how you were not, and who you are! But not willing to said “ Yes, I am quite lucky to have a wife like you.”

If you said so, I am sure the whole conversation will be much shorter than this one we had.

一直到最後, 一堆例子全被翻出來,害老公以為我在翻舊帳.

但老實說,我對翻舊帳一點興趣也沒有, 只是老以為拿發生在自己身上切身的例子,我們會比較有認知感.

反倒是老公, 一直覺得我在做個人攻擊,一直聽不進去我在講什麼. 搞得我自己也跟著火大.

一直到最後, 我才真的不得不認輸地說:你.真的是我的功課耶!

他氣得跟著說:你也是我的功課啊!

我:我沒說我不是啊! 只是,我花了這麼多年, 讓自己變成個直言直語的人,有什麼說什麼,這個過程犧牲了多少朋友, 多少人排擠我, 好不容易喜歡現在的自己,卻又嫁給一個我說什麼,都還覺得我話中有話的老公?! 你不會覺得很諷刺嗎?

你因為你媽的關係, 老覺得女人說話都另有隱喻, 而我,又剛好最討厭別人在我的話裏加話. 現在想想,你不覺得這真的是我們兩個得要一起做的功課嗎?

這會兒,他終於比較願意靜下來聽我說話地說:那你整個話的重點是什麼?

我:其實,重點很簡單…那就是,我們一旦把身邊的事物都當成理所當然, 而不學著尊重的話,那我們也就跟著不會珍惜我們所擁有的…

像我常跟你說”你真的有個很好的老婆,每天都為你煮熱熱又營養的晚餐”,你不都會接著說”是啊,我真的有個很好的老婆.”

怎麼,今天我只是說”你真的比其他男人幸福, 出去狂歡的次數比他們多很多”的時候,你反倒得跟我爭辯得口沬橫飛,也不會一句”是啊,我真的挺幸福的”.

你要這麼說,我相信剛剛那段爭辯就一點必要也沒有, 整個重點大概會在兩句之間就結束了.

Now you think about it…

Don’t you think it’s kind of sarcastic?

現在想想,真的有點諷刺,不是嗎?

All those thing we have taken for granted, if it doesn’t worked as we thought it should for one day.  We usually end up being quite upset about it.

But in the other hand,  For those who use to live in restriction for long time…

They feel quite grateful and apprciated if there’s one day of break.

那些我們認定”理所當然”的事, 一旦不照著”理所當然”的步調在走,我們就會氣得一肚子火.

反倒是那些老被限制住的人,突然有了自由, 反倒學會怎麼尊重與珍惜?

The wife who cook everyday, making sure her husband has hot meal the moment he walked in the house.  If there’s one day she just doesn’t feel like cooking, the husband usually get quite upset about the meal is not ready when he walked in.

The husband who has the freedom of making his own schedule whenever he wants… such as go to work out, hang out with friends or have a drink with friend after work etc.  If there’s one day, the wife doesn’t feel like looking after kids by herself any more, would like him to stay at home and take care of the kids with her, He usually end up quite upset about how she isn’t understanding and how she is making his life miserable by forcing him to stay at home.

The wife who dislike accounting as much as the husband, felt like sharing some of his burden and decided to help organizing his tax receipts for him.   But after seeing him dumping all other tasks on her and did nothing after all, she decide to strike for protesting.  But husband start being mad at her saying she was making his life miserable.

Mom who got so used to taking care of the kids for 24/7, spending all the attention on kids but disregard herself, all the sudden decide to take a break and go out shopping to indulge herself.  But end up having husband yelling at her about how much she spend and how she has no idea how house runs… After all, taking a break may sounds like a good idea at first, but end up being the most stressful day of the year.

天天煮飯的老婆,有一天罷工不想煮飯了, 老公回來的第一件事就是破口大罵今天怎麼沒有晚餐?

習慣想出去就出去的老公, 突然有一天,老婆不想一個人顧孩子而要求他那都別去的時候,就會讓他批判成一點都不懂得體諒他的辛苦.

不喜歡會計的老婆, 因為老公急著要交稅表, 所以熱心地幫他整理雜繁的稅務,但卻在看他什麼事都丟給她,而不願分點力,所以選擇罷工的時候, 卻讓老公罵說一點都不懂得分擔家務.

顧小孩顧了365天, 難得想放自己一天假, 一個人出去走走的時候,還要背著沒有婦道的指責與罪惡感,連自己的心都不能好好地休息一下.

In the other hand, If the wife ALWAYS restrict husband about his where about, and whom he hang out with.  When there’s one day she allow him to do whatever he want, he will end up really appreciate that.

If the wife who never cook, all the sudden feel like making ONE good meal.  The husband would feel quite surprise and lucky to have that specific meal ready for him.

The wife who is accountant, who also NEVER help her husband on his tax.  One day she decides to take over and help him out, he will really appreciate that, too…

相對的, 如果老婆老限制住自己的老公,而不讓他出去跟朋友交際的話, 難得答應一次,老公就會覺得謝主隆恩.

老婆懶得煮飯,都要老公下廚, 久久想到來煮一頓豐盛的晚餐時, 老公就會覺得那天是什麼幸運的老日子?竟然回家會有現成的飯菜可以吃?

做會計師的老婆. 長年不幫老公處理他的稅務, 難得有一天看不下去, 決定接手替他做時, 他也是感動得痛苦流涕…

Now.. It really make me quite confused,

Does people really intend to have others treat them badly, so they are able to learn how to appreciate?

怎麼,搞半天…

人,真的是挺犯賤的! 不是嗎?

When people are being nice to us, we do not know how to appreciate that.  We always have to wait till someone mistreated us in order to see the value of what we had before?

人對我們好的時候,我們不懂得去珍惜, 老非得要別人對我們不好的時候,我們才會發現自由的可貴?!

Why are we making our life so difficult?

幹嘛一定要讓自己的日子這麼難過啊?

When we are so eager to find out the truth, have we notice that the so-called truth is really inside ourselves?

When we are desperately finding happiness, have we notice that the happiness is everywhere if we look?

在我們急於對外尋找真理的時候,有沒有發現, 其實所謂的真理,就在自己的心裏?

當我們急著創造所謂的快樂的時侯,有沒有發現, 其實快樂其實隨手可得?

When we are taking everything for granted and living like it’s truth.  How many things around us that we also learn not to acknowledge and appreciate?

在我們活在理所當然底下過久, 身邊有多少事情,是我們也跟著學會不去尊重, 不去珍惜的?!

Why do we have to see others suffered through disaster, so we remember to give those around us a hug?

為什麼非得要看到別人妻離子散,才懂得回來給身旁的人一個擁抱?

When we are living in the life where we take everything for granted, we will then complaint that we have too little. And we will also start to NOT appreciate what we already have.

一旦活在理所當然底下太久,我們就會開始抱怨自己擁有得太少. 就會開始不去珍惜自己己經擁有的.

Sometimes, all you have to do is peace yourself and look around,

You may be amazed to find that you actually have way more than others…

有些時候,只需要靜下心來看看…

你或許會發現,你現在擁有的,己經遠比他人多很多了…