illustrated by Josephine Wall
These days, I seems to have this debat with my husband quite often,
I often said: You really do not know how to appreciate me. I can do way more than regular housewife, but you seem to take it for granted.
He: If you are not like this, I wouldn’t have married you, either.
Well, as you can see…
His feedback often make me roll my eyes.
The person who would said this, obviously do not know how to appreciate what he already has.
我常說, 你真的不懂得珍惜我耶. 我可以做的事, 遠勝於一般的家庭主婦,但你都當作理所當然一樣.
This morning, we have debated regards the same issue.
It starts with I said: You seems to go clubbing way more than other married man.
Somehow, my husband decided I must have tried to “imply” something, so he start to be quite defensive and complaining “why” do I have to compare him to others? We are not the same couple? (Well, it also relate to him planning to go clubbing with some friends who he has seen for long time tonight.)
I was quite confused and said: you don’t think so? I am not talking about this to have a fight with you nor stopped you from going. But I just think you need to acknowledge that and appreciate me.
But obviously, he didn’t think so.
So, you may all see how this conversation was going after that…
當場,老公就覺得我在”暗示”什麼,急著辯解其他人跟我們不一樣,為什麼老要拿他跟別人比? (外加上今天晚上, 他有個朋友遠從中國回來幾天,幾個單身的男人邀約他一起出去狂歡. )
During the process, I have given him some examples in our life.
But somehow, he felt I was upset about that, too.
Honestly, I am not type of person who is interested in fighting for old events, but I always felt that using the actual life example will help others understand where the point is. (Obviously, my husband did not think this way.)
He felt that I am using those example to fight against him, so most of time, he was not able to listen what I was saying.
And that, eventually got me quite upset, too.
So, I finally said: You, are DEFINITELY my task of life.
He was quite upset, too : …as you are mine, too!
I: I never said that I am NOT your task. What I was saying is that… I have spent most of my life trying to be as straight as I can be. Trust me… the process was not easy at all! I had tons of people fight against it, isolating me. Not that I ever felt sorry for doing so. In fact, I quite like the way I am right now. I no longer have to deny who I am , and what I think. But somehow, I have to marry to someone who seems to believe women always not saying what they really want, and always implying others. And I HATE people putting words in my mouth! Don’t you find it sarcastic?
That’s why I said it must be the task for both of us? Don’t you see that we always fight because of this?
He was calmed a bit and willing to listened to what I have to say: So…What was your point on the whole conversation?
I:It’s very simple. All I am saying is that…we should not take things for granted, because we will not acknowledge it and appreciate what we already have.
Like I always said to you that” you have a great wife who make hot and health food for you every night. “ and you always replied” Yes, I do.”
So, how come when I said “ You go clubbing way often then the other married men.” today, you spent all those time fighting with me about how you were not, and who you are! But not willing to said “ Yes, I am quite lucky to have a wife like you.”
If you said so, I am sure the whole conversation will be much shorter than this one we had.
反倒是老公, 一直覺得我在做個人攻擊,一直聽不進去我在講什麼. 搞得我自己也跟著火大.
我:我沒說我不是啊! 只是,我花了這麼多年, 讓自己變成個直言直語的人,有什麼說什麼,這個過程犧牲了多少朋友, 多少人排擠我, 好不容易喜歡現在的自己,卻又嫁給一個我說什麼,都還覺得我話中有話的老公?! 你不會覺得很諷刺嗎?
你因為你媽的關係, 老覺得女人說話都另有隱喻, 而我,又剛好最討厭別人在我的話裏加話. 現在想想,你不覺得這真的是我們兩個得要一起做的功課嗎?
Now you think about it…
Don’t you think it’s kind of sarcastic?
All those thing we have taken for granted, if it doesn’t worked as we thought it should for one day. We usually end up being quite upset about it.
But in the other hand, For those who use to live in restriction for long time…
They feel quite grateful and apprciated if there’s one day of break.
The wife who cook everyday, making sure her husband has hot meal the moment he walked in the house. If there’s one day she just doesn’t feel like cooking, the husband usually get quite upset about the meal is not ready when he walked in.
The husband who has the freedom of making his own schedule whenever he wants… such as go to work out, hang out with friends or have a drink with friend after work etc. If there’s one day, the wife doesn’t feel like looking after kids by herself any more, would like him to stay at home and take care of the kids with her, He usually end up quite upset about how she isn’t understanding and how she is making his life miserable by forcing him to stay at home.
The wife who dislike accounting as much as the husband, felt like sharing some of his burden and decided to help organizing his tax receipts for him. But after seeing him dumping all other tasks on her and did nothing after all, she decide to strike for protesting. But husband start being mad at her saying she was making his life miserable.
Mom who got so used to taking care of the kids for 24/7, spending all the attention on kids but disregard herself, all the sudden decide to take a break and go out shopping to indulge herself. But end up having husband yelling at her about how much she spend and how she has no idea how house runs… After all, taking a break may sounds like a good idea at first, but end up being the most stressful day of the year.
不喜歡會計的老婆, 因為老公急著要交稅表, 所以熱心地幫他整理雜繁的稅務,但卻在看他什麼事都丟給她,而不願分點力,所以選擇罷工的時候, 卻讓老公罵說一點都不懂得分擔家務.
顧小孩顧了365天, 難得想放自己一天假, 一個人出去走走的時候,還要背著沒有婦道的指責與罪惡感,連自己的心都不能好好地休息一下.
In the other hand, If the wife ALWAYS restrict husband about his where about, and whom he hang out with. When there’s one day she allow him to do whatever he want, he will end up really appreciate that.
If the wife who never cook, all the sudden feel like making ONE good meal. The husband would feel quite surprise and lucky to have that specific meal ready for him.
The wife who is accountant, who also NEVER help her husband on his tax. One day she decides to take over and help him out, he will really appreciate that, too…
相對的, 如果老婆老限制住自己的老公,而不讓他出去跟朋友交際的話, 難得答應一次,老公就會覺得謝主隆恩.
老婆懶得煮飯,都要老公下廚, 久久想到來煮一頓豐盛的晚餐時, 老公就會覺得那天是什麼幸運的老日子?竟然回家會有現成的飯菜可以吃?
做會計師的老婆. 長年不幫老公處理他的稅務, 難得有一天看不下去, 決定接手替他做時, 他也是感動得痛苦流涕…
Now.. It really make me quite confused,
Does people really intend to have others treat them badly, so they are able to learn how to appreciate?
When people are being nice to us, we do not know how to appreciate that. We always have to wait till someone mistreated us in order to see the value of what we had before?
Why are we making our life so difficult?
When we are so eager to find out the truth, have we notice that the so-called truth is really inside ourselves?
When we are desperately finding happiness, have we notice that the happiness is everywhere if we look?
When we are taking everything for granted and living like it’s truth. How many things around us that we also learn not to acknowledge and appreciate?
在我們活在理所當然底下過久, 身邊有多少事情,是我們也跟著學會不去尊重, 不去珍惜的?!
Why do we have to see others suffered through disaster, so we remember to give those around us a hug?
When we are living in the life where we take everything for granted, we will then complaint that we have too little. And we will also start to NOT appreciate what we already have.
Sometimes, all you have to do is peace yourself and look around,
You may be amazed to find that you actually have way more than others…