A friend called me today saying that she was planning to go back to Taiwan this Saturday, but something happened and had to cancel the trip now.
I wondered: What happened?
She: Because a friend got hurt from skiing, so I cannot go back to Taiwan right now.
Not quite sure how many of you thinking just what I was thinking at the time?
I: What does that have to do with you going back to Taiwan?
She: Because I have to help her taking care of her kids.
I: She can hire some baby sitter to help her out on that, it should not stop you from going back to Taiwan.
She: But... She is type of person who is very thrifty. She will try to save every penny she can...
(I still cannot find the connection between helping her and going back to Taiwan...)
I: What does that have to do with you going back to Taiwan?
She: Because if I am not helping her, she will have to find a nanny.
I: So...Let it be.
She: I really do not mind helping her. But just couple days ago, it starts to drive my husband crazy...
4 kids in the house for days? Anyone will go crazy...
I: So, why can't you just be straight with her?
She: Because...the other friend just mention to her the other day, and she right away tried to check herself out of the hosipital. She is not even healed yet, but already trying to take care of the kids herself. And her husband doesn't seem to want to come to Vancouver and help her out. and she is not planning to tell her husband how bad did she hurt herself. So...
I:...You turns her problem into yours.
She: I just feel that... She finally start to trust someone. If I say no to her, doesn't that break that trust she has toward others again?
I: Then...that will be her task of life, not yours! Helping others is definitely a good thing. But when helping comes to no end, and you do not know when to stop, then it will become a bad thing. Every energy in this world all know when to stop taking energy from others. If you put too much water in the plants, they will die. If tree take too much sun, they will die, too. You have to know when to stop giving, and she has to know when to stop taking...
She: But, I cannot say no to her...
I: Why? I have heard about her problem so far, how about yours? Why can't you say no to her?
She: Because I don't like anyone to say no to me, so...I do not want to say no to others.
I: Then...This will be a task for you to conquer. You cancel your tickets on going back to Taiwan because of her, your husband is upset with you because of her, helping her starts to influence your life, but you still force yourself to do so. Tell me... What good does it make to her by helping her like this? You are making her not to face her own task by helping her like this! Not to mention that you don't have to face your own task, either. She cannot be straight with her husband, she cannot realize that she will need help sometimes, she cannot realize that holding on to the money is not going to buy her happy life, She cannot understand trust is not a content feeling that you can just keep asking without looking within... Those, are all big tasks she need to work on. If you keep helping her, she will never have to work it... So, tell me... are you going to wait till the days she dies, she will then come back and blame it all to you on how you make her not working what she was born for?
She: I just do not want her to think that there's no one she can trust on this world.
I: That's the task she has chosen for herself, not yours! Until she start to understand that trust has to start from within, she will never understand all those trust already surrounded her. Besides, you will NEVER be the savior of teaching her how to trust! When she first got hurt, it's nice that you are helping her out. But when it start to influence your life, then it will then become your task. Your problem right now is not worrying about whether she can trust people or not, but thinking why you are not able to say no to her. Because, that IS your task...
Sensing her hesitation, I continued: Do you know whom you look like?
I: You are just like my aunt...at the beginning, she drive all the way to Hualien to help out on those spirits, This is a good thing. (not that I knew whom is benefit from it?) If her financial agree with her action, I will definitely support her. But she spent nearly USD 1500 every month to help out those "spirits" (There's commute fee, accomodation fee, flowers, fruits and all those other expense...) She has problem living, and she still going to Hualien to help out those "spirits" in the name of god! So she ends up owing hundreds of thousands from the bank. I would like to know, who will be paying those debt? Who will be taking care of her daily living? All those rents and living expense...
She: I don't think I am as bad as your aunt...
I: and that's why I am still talking to you. People always learn from difficult situations. There's lots of murderer and killer out there, after being caught, start to complain how their parents spoiled them while they were kids is reason of causing them to become a killer. If...this is true. You may have to start thinking that whether your helping will or will not influence her working on her tasks? Also....how about your own task? Why is it so difficult for you to say no to people? Instead of worrying about hers, why don't you work on yours?
I clearly understand this may sound quite easy for us will take her long time to work it out. And this is exactly why I said that is her task of life, not mine.
The reason I share this with you is because... This is not only her problem, but lot of people's issue.
In the world we are living now, there's defination on EVERYTHING. Even being kind will be defined! We do not know when to stop helping, and allow it to slowly mess up our life. The funny thing is that most of beneficiary will take it for granted, and keep asking without knowing when to stop. As soon as they see someone stop helping them, they start blaming how cold this world is, nobody love them or there's no one they can trust etc.
It's a good thing to help someone.
but when it start to cause problem, you should start to work on your own task, instead of worrying how other should deal with their task.
After all... It's what you learn from your life counts, not hers.
We have chosen to be born to this world, so we will pick up our lesson from every day life.
Even though other people's issue always seems so much easier to deal with, but shouldn't we also consider whatever we have done will really help or delay them on working their own task.
In the end... Knowing when to stop is a task of life, too.